: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
