I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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