we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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