giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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