Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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