pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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