"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
