No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
