I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
