i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
