i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
