Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
