Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
