Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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