i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
PS: I just woke up from my shower
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
