glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
