apparently the secret to your success is patron
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
