Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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