listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm getting married
To pizza
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
