Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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