every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
