i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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