if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
