I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
