and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
