I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it was like eating out sand paper
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
organizing the empties. That sober.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
