He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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