Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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