She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
