dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
