I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
