foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
