when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
