I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
