Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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