You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
