Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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