So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
