the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
