she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
