I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
