Don't you send me to vm
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
