drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
