Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
