I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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