I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Shame - the story of my life.
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