I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
is that a dick in a sweater?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
