the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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