There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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