I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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