Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
