Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
